When to Discipline

One of the most common questions parents have is when it is appropriate to discipline their children.  After all you can’t be constantly disciplining your children, lest they be provoked to anger (Ephesians 6:4).  You need to pick your battles, but the battle you pick could greatly decrease the number of battles you encounter.  I propose that you begin with respect.  If your children do not have respect for you or for God, they will not obey you and will probably not obey God’s laws either.  Secondly, willful disobedience should never be tolerated, if you give your child a task and they refuse to do it, the punishment should be immediate.  Willful disobedience is closely linked to respect and thus it is very important to not tolerate it.

I remember when I was growing up, my grandmother would tell me to do this or that or to stop doing something and if I didn’t do it right away, she would count to three.  I usually complied by the time she got to two and a half.  I was conditioned, I knew that I had until three to obey.  We as parents should not count (unless we are trying to teach our children their numbers), we should expect first time obedience and if the children don’t comply, then we should administer the consequence immediately.  Children will learn the parameters in which they can operate and if you count, then will learn to persist in their disobedience until the count of three.

Of course this list may not include your favorite violations of household order, so feel free to add more to the list of lines that should never be crossed, but be prepared to defend your position.  As your children get older, they will question arbitrary rules and if you can’t explain the reasons why you have them, the level of respect your children have for you may be significantly diminished.

Disciplinary Techniques

When should you start to discipline your child?  The answer is simple, as soon as your child shows signs that he or she understands what you are saying.  When you say no and your child pauses for a moment, it is time.  The younger you start to discipline, the easier your job will be.  Most children are not naturally obedient, you might have one, but you should consider that a freebie from God.  I have nine children, and we got really lucky and we have two.  The rest of the kids are normal and we continually have to administer discipline and sometimes it is really difficult work.

The high level overview of discipline goes like this.  If you don’t do this, then this will happen and if the child doesn’t comply, then you need to administer the consequence.  The key is consistency, no exceptions, if you say that their favorite toy will be taken away if they don’t put their toys up, then you better take that toy away if they disobey.  If you don’t your credibility will be severely diminished.  Don’t make the threat if you are unwilling or unable to follow through.

Consequences should be appropriate to the offense and to the child.  With that in mind, here are some consequences that work for our family and may work for yours as well.  The key to administering any form of punishment is remain calm, and dispense the consequence in a loving way.  For younger children, ages 2 to 7, we have used time out, spankings, and physical exercise.  Time out is pretty easy, you find a corner and put the child in time out for a certain length of time, one minute for each year of age is a good rule of thumb, and require that the child stands quietly for the whole time, lest the timer starts over.  The key to spankings is that they should only be applied to young children who have not yet achieved the age of reason (normally around age seven) and that they be administered calmly and not in anger.  Spankings are also much more appropriate for boys.  Girls will generally not respond well to spankings and you should consider timeout or physical exercise as a better alternative for them.  Physical exercise is a great method for us, we like push-ups, they can be done almost anywhere and can easily be increased to match the offense.  You may find that some children may get very good at push ups and thus require a few more to feel like they were punished.  Jumping Jacks, leg lifts, pull ups also work pretty well, but may be a little more difficult to use when not at home.  Lastly, you may wish to take away a favorite toy, restrict the use of the computer or TV for a period of time.

As children get older, the consequences will need to change a bit.  While physical exercise and withdrawal of privileges are still useful, spankings and timeout are no longer appropriate or effective.  Two powerful consequences are essays and blackout.  Your older child may understand the transgression better after having written a 500 word essay on respect.  The topic of the essay should be related to the transgression and it should be well written with proper sentence structure, spelling and grammar.  The child looses all privileges until the essay is completed and approved by the parent.  Blackout is to be used as the ultimate punishment for only very serious offenses, such as the top three listed at the beginning of this article.  Black is a complete withdrawal of all benefits.  Since you own the home, the clothes, the car, pay for the sports, etc.  They don’t get to do anything or eat anything that you consider to be non-essential.  They may also be expected to do extra chores around the home. They should remain on blackout until the essay is written, the behavior changes, or proper reparation is made for the transgression.  The child should be informed of the duration of black out or the parameters that should be met to have black out lifted.  Blackout is a very effective method to change frequent problematic behavior, but it should be used sparingly as it is tough on the child as well as the parent.

Discipline is one of the most difficult tasks that a parent can undertake, but the rewards are heavenly.

You are cordially invited to attend the first Parent Formation Series presentation at St. William Catholic Church in Round Rock, TX

When: Tuesday, October 18th from 7-9PM
Where: in the Michael J. McGivney Pavilion
620 Round Rock West Dr, Round Rock, TX

The presentation will include food, fellowship and crucial information for every parent of teens and pre-teens.

“Forming Family Prayer and Sacramental Life with Adolescents”
Presented by: Fr. Jonathan Raia and Allen Hébert

Hope to see you there!

For more information or to RSVP, please contact our High School or Middle School Youth Ministry Directors: Chris Bartlett  or Audrey Higgins

We have found that wearing color coordinated shirts not only makes it easy for us to find our kids, but also to enlist the help of everyone else around us.  Several times at theme parks, complete strangers have brought our errant children back to us and said, “I think this one belongs to you”.

We have t-shirts that are just bright solid colors, but we also have a couple of sets of T-Shirts from The Alexander House (Marriage Ministry), but these N-Him Athletics shirts appear to be a collectors item now since they don’t have them listed in their webstore :^).

As you can see, we are proud to be Catholic and just like everyone else who wears a t-shirt with a secular message on it, we are showing what we love most: our Catholic faith.

The Rees Family

In less than a week, we will be hosting a parish dance at St. William Catholic Church in Round Rock, TX featuring L’Angelus. L’Angelus is a family band that has Cajun and Irish roots.  The musicians are the Rees family’s four oldest children: Katie, 28; Paige, 27; John, 24; and Steve, 23  In addition to the 4 oldest, the Rees family has four younger children.  They are a shining example of a family who is seeking to follow God’s plan for their lives.

For more information about the dance, click here.

My family first encountered L’Angelus at the Midwest Catholic Family Conference in Wichita, KS in August of 2010.  Our family has been to many Catholic conferences and most of those conferences have a music related guest, we have seen Mr. Stinky feet, Tony Melendez and Toe Jam, Eric Genuis, John Michael Talbot, Michael John Porier, and The Glory Estate.  While all these musicians provided some great music and some great testimonies to God’s love and providence, there is something different about L’Angelus.  Their music is very good, the talent of the individual musicians is top notch, but there is something else.  The teamwork of this family is inspiring, they work together to make beautiful music, you can’t help but see the joy in their performances.  They are genuinely happy to be making music together and as a result, they present a beautiful example of God’s plan for family life.  Unfortunately, in our society today, these example are few and far between.

The Breakdown of the Family

We have nine children in our family and my wife and I have been married for over twenty years.  As our family has grown, we have explored many different opportunities to keep our family close knit.  We have know many families, with far fewer kids, who seem fractured, all going in very different directions and not appearing to really like being with each other.  There are several movies, which come to mind. depicting the obligatory family vacation or family party that everyone in the family has to attend, even though the members of the family can’t stand being around each other.  We were determined that we would not be that family.

Blessed Pope John Paul II famously proclaimed in a 1986 homily in Perth Australia, “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.”  Our current society seems to be designed to break families apart, even in the most well intentioned families.  It seems that the natural tendency is for the kids to dislike being around their parents and their siblings and many times the parents feel the same way.  The desire to be your own person and do your own thing with people other than your relatives seems to be the highest achievement of freedom.  Some say this is just a normal part of growing up, and I partially concur (See Gen 2:24) , but what is at the root of this strange phenomenon and why is it occurring in children as young as 8?  What about being “family” makes being a part of your family so undesirable? Has family life become so mundane and painful that any outside activity appears to be more fulfilling and desirable to its members?  If so, are we really living our family lives as God intended?  God created mankind, male and female he created them to be fruitful and multiply and God himself said it was very good.  After all, God does not make junk, he makes good things, perfect things, and in the case of the human family, he made us in his own image and likeness.  I think the problem today is that our marriages and our families fall short of the glory of God (the understatement of the year maybe).

The Building up of the Kingdom within the Family

See how happy they are to be praying!

Building up a Holy Family is a vital work that we are called to do.  Society may not assist us with this vital task, but the Church does.  Blessed Pope John Paul II wrote much about the importance of the Human Family.  He penned an Apostolic Exhortation entitled, “On the Christian Family in the Modern World” (Familiaris Consortio) a little over three years after being elected to the Papacy.  In this document, he emphasizes that selfishness is rampant within the family and is the root cause of its breakdown. Blessed John Paul’s treatise on the Christian family proposes that we model our families after the image of God.  The love between the Father and Son is given freely, completely, and is always faithful and fruitful, the visible fruit of this love is the Holy Spirit.  We need to transform our families into Godly families, where the members of the family truly love each other and desire to be with each other and enjoy one another’s company.  Sometimes it is hard for parents to see beyond the current struggles and tough times, but we owe it to our children to overcome the difficulties and challenges of life and maintain an atmosphere of Love within our families.

Fun Family Activities

A Family Hike

As my wife and I began our own family, we made it a priority to do things as a family, it was pretty easy when the children were under the age of 10, but as they got older and we continued having more children, the struggle to continue to do things as family became more difficult.  When you have kids of similar ages, you can pick one activity that everyone will enjoy, but if you have kids ranging from age 2 to 17, there are very few family activities that will entertain and please the whole family.  But we are determined that we will find creative ways to keep our family together, the example we set for our kids in this area will be the bar they will use to measure their own family’s success or failure.

We have found some great activities that work very well.  Given that we are Catholics, our faith is a central part of our lives.  We are very involved with our parish community and have many catholic family friends.  We are also committed to praying together as a family every day, and most days that prayer takes the form of the Rosary.  I cannot emphasize how important the faith is to building up your holy family in God’s image.  If you are not united in your faith, it will be very difficult to be united in everyday family life.

Dancing with Grandpa

We take regular family trips, taking time out for family time away from everyday life is essential and allows the family to spend time away from all the usual commitments to sports, school and work.  Family dances have proven to be an awesome opportunity for our children to not only interact with us, but also with each other.  My wife has quite an extended family and thus we have the opportunity to attend many weddings and family events which usually have some good music and maybe even a live band.  Dancing to good music (polkas, waltzes, two steps and even line dances) requires the two people to pay very close attention to each other and to even trust that the other person will not step on their toes.  It is an activity that must be done in cooperation with another person, there is no success on your own, if only one person is committed to dancing the two step and the other is dancing a Waltz, even if both individuals are dancing their step perfectly, they will both look pretty silly.  They must work together to bring forth a beautiful dance.  I will be the first to admit this is not as easy as it sounds.  We have found that the rewards of perseverance and even multiple failures are well worth the initial struggles.

Activities that the whole family can participate in vary greatly from family to family.  Each family is different and has unique likes and dislikes.  For our family, praying a rosary each evening, family dances and vacations have worked very well.  As St. Padre Pio was quoted as saying, “Pray, Hope and don’t worry“, God wants you to have a happy holy family built in his image, and he will help you to accomplish this holy task, just ask.

We hope you will join us this coming Saturday, May 14th for the L’Angelus Concert and family Dance at our parish.

The Public School Prom

I arrived a little before 8pm and checked in with the Chaperone Coordinator, Joy (named changed to protect the innocent/guilty).  I pulled out the Prom Permission Slip and asked her if she had any final instructions for me since I was a new chaperone.  Politely she told me that there were some chairs around the room where I could sit and that the best place for me was near the food.  I asked about rule enforcement and she said that they weren’t that strict about applying them and she told me to make sure the kids didn’t do bad things with the food.
Now I kind of like rules, they help everyone to determine if they wish to do something and give a certain sense of security knowing the parameters which they are allowed to operate within.  Think about a city with no rules about traffic flow, chaos would quickly ensue if drivers did not know if they had the right of way or if they were unsure that the other person would stop at the red light.  I also believe that if you establish rules, then you have a responsibility to enforce them, otherwise you do a disservice to those who observed them.  So with that in mind, here is my first hand report on how the rules, to which all students and their parents agreed, were enforced.

Rules and Reality

Here is a subset of the rules that were laid forth in the Permission slip (that both attendee and parent were required to sign).  The complete set of rules can be found here:

1. All guests will be subject to random alcohol screening. Students who appear to be under the influence or smell of alcohol or illegal substance are subject to testing as well. There will be no possession or use of tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs by participants. Anyone under the influence of alcohol or drugs will be turned over to and taken into custody by Round Rock Police, Williamson County Sheriff or Austin Police (whichever has geographic jurisdiction) and school discipline will ensue.
   There were police officers at the Prom event, both outside the entrance to the ballroom and a few inside the ballroom.  I didn’t see any breathalyzers, but they were watching the kids and I have no reason to believe that they were not prepared to enforce this rule.
2. Students may not wear revealing and/or spandex dresses. Inappropriate dress includes evening gowns that drop below mid-back, dresses that expose or use sheer material to cover stomach or bodice area and dresses that are above mid-thigh. Dress for gentlemen will be formal to semi formal (tuxedo or suit/tie). Casual dress is prohibited.
   This one was not enforced at all.  The rule is pretty specific – evening gowns that drop below mid-back or expose stomach or bodice area or above mid-thigh are prohibited.  Here are a couple of ladies in attendance at the Prom (removed from this article due to privacy concerns).  The dresses I saw showed bare backs (down to the waistline) and stomach bodice areas exposed and some dresses were well short of mid-thigh. The photo here shows some of the obvious violations, but there were many more.
3. Students will be placed in a separate holding place for inappropriate dancing (lap dances, bumping and grinding and any other movement that appears to simulate sexual acts), and indecent exposure or removal of under garments. Once removed from prom students must call their parent to arrange pick-up.
   I didn’t notice a holding room and was not advised as where I should take someone if they violated the dancing rule (recall I was only instructed to protect the food table).  At first the dance floor was fairly tame, the lights were up to where I could see people’s faces and the tables, then the lights were dimmed, a lot.  Shortly after the mood lighting was set everyone moved to the dance floor, hardly no one at any tables, almost 200 people on a fairly small dance floor.   With that many people on the dance floor you can imagine there was not much room between anyone.
I saw quite a bit of bumping, grinding and simulated sex on the dance floor and so did a number of my fellow chaperones who were standing within 10 feet of the dance floor (one male chaperone appeared to be around 65, but all he did was watch).  I mentioned it to, Joy, the chaperone coordinator, that there was inappropriate dancing going on and her reply was, “unless they are having sex on the dance floor, then we are OK.”

So the rules were a farce and it appears there was never any intention to enforce them.  I wonder if any parents who signed the forms were aware of this?  Perhaps if they were, they may have thought twice about sending their child.  The closest analogy I can make to what I witnessed at this dance was that it reminded me of a sixth street dance club back in the late 80s on Sixth street (it is probably about the same today, but I haven’t been to a dance club recently).  The only thing missing was a the bar.

Educating the Next Generation

As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, my resolve to continue homeschooling is stronger than ever after attending this event.  What is the purpose of schooling, be it public or private: to educate our children.  I think all parents and members of the community would agree with this statement.  Undoubtedly, their definition of what education should entail would differ greatly.  Some would define education as the basics:  reading, writing, science and math.  Some would add other subjects also: music, art, physical education, and sports.  Some would also add that the children also need to be taught how to act like adults, in a sense, they need to be assisted in the maturing process.

I believe that all of the above goals are good and worthy to be pursued.  Each child will get an education, they soak up everything they see, both the good and the bad.  They will either learn reading, writing, and math properly or they will learn to hate it. They will learn how to be adults also, but if the formation is lacking, they will learn how to be very immature adults and potentially unproductive members of society, and may even live out some of their time behind bars.

Based on the behavior of many of the young adults at this school event, I would venture to say that our schools and society are failing miserably in the area of educating young people on how they should act.  Unfortunately, I participated in many events like Prom when I was growing up, both in high school and college.  Not a whole lot has changed in the past 25 years, but I believe it may have have gotten worse.  I would never have acted that way in front of a chaperone, nor would most of the people I knew.  Even when we were acting immature, we knew that our parents and other adults would not approve.  So we snuck around and did it without their knowledge.  If there were rules concerning proper behavior and dress at a dance, we knew that violations would result in consequences.  It does not appear that is the case anymore.  The rules are meaningless and the kids know it.  What are we teaching our children? We must be very careful, because they are watching our every move and action and are learning from it, for better or for worse.

Rachel’s Reflection

Prom is something that I don’t think I’d ever want to go to again because it made me feel very uncomfortable. The close dancing, the immodest dress, the big group of people dancing so close together was something I am not used to being around.  I was forced to dance closely too because there was not enough room to do anything else.  I was unable to swing dance, which is my favorite type of dance.  It was not just a few people dancing in an ungodly way, it was everybody on the dance floor and it was very uncomfortable to watch.  Other than the raciness of this prom, I had a really good time, I was with good friends and that’s what helped me to enjoy myself in such an unwholesome environment.

Allen’s Advice

Overall, I am glad that Rachel attended the Prom and that I was a volunteer chaperone.  I wrote another blog entry about my reflections on the Prom event itself, you can read them here.  The main reason why I say it was positive, is that Rachel got to experience a public school event and appreciate the good, wholesome, events that she has been participating in for the years that we have homeschooled her.

We have had many conversations about Prom since it occurred, it has given us much to talk about.  I was worried about the appropriateness of the Prom event itself and unfortunately, my concerns were not without basis.  The event was not something she enjoyed and not something she would choose to attend again.

Protective Parenting

In my opinion, our child rearing techniques have been vindicated, by Rachel’s reaction.  We are raising all our children to know, love and serve Christ and to love his laws.  Striving to teach them what is right and good, we have not exposed them to all the ugliness of the world, instead we have shown them, as best as we are able, the beauty of how God intended us to live and love one another.  While Rachel was curious and intrigued about what went on at a public school dance, when she experienced it first hand, she found it lacking.  Happily, it appears that the foundation we have assisted Rachel in building is on solid rock, the Rock of the Church of Jesus Christ.

While the Challenge began on Saturday for the Central Texas group, you can still sign up and participate, you have until mid-July to complete and document the missions.

The question I asked was not really fair to my friends, since I didn’t provide all the information required to really answer the question.

Based on the responses I received, it seems that there were two areas that people came from to make their recommendation, the event itself and the moral effect this event may have on my daughter and whether or not my daughter should go to a dance with a young man. In reality, both of these areas of concern were used to make our decision about whether our oldest daughter, Rachel, would attend the McNeil high school prom with our neighbor’s oldest son.

A Young Woman of Grace

I would like to begin by saying that our decision was made in partnership with my daughter Rachel, she is at the age where she has quite a bit of say in the activities in which she chooses to participate, as her parents we provide guidance. Boundaries still exist and most are set by God and a few are set by us since she is still living in our home.

First of all I want to say that I am very proud of the young woman Rachel has become and have the utmost faith in her and her decisions. The question was never about whether or not Rachel would attend the Prom and decide in one night to abandon her current way of life and rebel against us because she saw a different way of life and decided to embrace it. I certainly hope we have done a better job of presenting Christianity and forming our children to be good Catholics. God is not some overbearing authority that says live this way or I will punish you, on the contrary, He presents us with a choice between life and death, between choosing God or choosing the world. We have hopefully taught our children that the good news proclaimed by Christ is freedom from sin and that this will lead to true happiness. We have confidence that the faith that we pledged to impart on our daughter at her baptism has been accepted by her as a young adult and that she not only embraces that faith, but also desires to bring light to those around her and share the good news of the gospel.

The Prom Event

The dance itself, while it may not cause my daughter to abandon her moral convictions, does need to be evaluated to determine if it is a good event to attend. For example, I would not attend a dance if the music being played was going to be offensive to my moral convictions. I would also not attend a dance if I could reasonably expect that the dancing would be lewd and sexually suggestive. I would also not attend a dance if those who were attending would be drinking excessively and thus acting as drunk people normally act. So there are certain events, through personal experience, that I would not attend because I would have concern for my own personal safety or my sense of decency would be insulted. I am sure each of you also can think of places or events that you would not partake in due to issues such as the ones listed above. Yes, it is a judgement call, and God made us this way, to judge whether or not something is good for us or not.

Based on personal accounts from friends who have been chaperones at McNeil proms in the past and based on the Prom Agreement Form, there have been some pretty bad things happen at the McNeil Prom in the past including, use of tobacco, alcohol, and drugs by participants, immodest dress, and inappropriate dancing (lap dances, bumping and grinding and any other movement that appears to simulate sexual acts), and indecent exposure and/or removal of under garments. (reference McNeil Prom Agreement).

Dating

Our children do not and will not date, ever. I know this is a very foreign idea to most people I know. It is not how I nor my wife was raised, we both dated and dated each other and got married. Today, dating is the normal way to meet your future spouse today. There are some common questions/criticisms I hear when I tell people that our children will not date.

• How will your children meet their future spouse?
• Everyone dates, and so did you, why would you deny your child this part of normal life?
• What, really? Why not? Thats weird.
• When will your kids start dating?
• Thats what you think now, you will change you mind later.
• Dating is the only way you get to know people of the other gender.
• Your kids will never get married.

We assure people that we do desire our children to meet members of the opposite gender, to get married (probably sooner than those who date) and have fulfilled lives despite their lack of participating in the dating game (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dating_Game).
So why do we not wish for our children to date? The answer is that we believe that dating is not an activity that will produce the desired results while helping our children to avoid the near occasion of sin. While societal norms have strayed greatly from the moral teachings of Christ, we do hope that we have equipped our children to rise above the peer pressure that exists to the contrary.

We believe that dating is practice for divorce. Think about it, you go out with someone for a period of time, if you are following God’s laws, you don’t get physically intimate with the other person, but most dating relationships today do involve quite a bit of physical intimacy, if not intercourse. So the couple gets emotionally involved, sometimes very involved and then at some point (since most young people date more than one person in their quest for a spouse) breakup and stop seeing each other. Feelings are hurt, friends are lost and the young people grieve or rejoice (depending on if they were dumped or were the dumper – note the common terminology used) and move on to the next person who they find attractive.

The common response to this criticism is that you need to play the field to get to know lots of different people so you can figure out what you like in someone you would like to marry. If you don’t shop around, you may not know what you are missing. This is a flawed understanding of courtship. Courtship is not living in a vacuum and not interacting with potential spouses, you do it on a regular basis. But you shop around with friends. You guard your heart and your physical intimacy so that your feelings don’t cloud your judgement. The Courtship model actually helps you to shop around more effectively. This mode of interacting with members of the opposite gender requires not only physical chastity, but also emotional chastity. Emotional chastity may be more difficult as it requires guarding your thoughts as well as your actions. But we can take solace in the words of Christ found in the Gospel that call us to observe the sixth commandment concerning adultery, but also to avoid lust in our hearts. If Jesus called us to live in this way, then the Holy Spirit will enable us to be successful.

The Decision

So we met with the young man and got to know him a little better. Even though we have been neighbors for a few years, we have not interacted with him or his family much. I spoke with him and shared our views on dating and emphasized that our children do not date and thus if Rachel were to accompany him to Prom, that it would be as a friend. We also discussed the parameters in which he would need to agree to abide if he were to take my daughter to Prom (no after parties, no drinking, etc). I shared with him the obligation and duty I have to protect my daughters and sons from both physical and spiritual harm and my duty to protect their honor. I told him that if Rachel would go with him to Prom that he would be agreeing to take on this role for the evening. He listened attentively and agreed to do his best, and I have no reason to doubt his sincerity, so we gave our permission for Rachel to attend.

Closing Thoughts

While I feel comfortable that Rachel’s friend will keep his word, I also know what it was like to be 18 and that sometimes it may be hard to discern when a situation is making someone else uncomfortable. So I signed up to be an official chaperone at the McNeil Prom for the first two hours. I must emphasize that my being a chaperone is in no way a statement of mistrust of either Rachel or her friend. I do not plan on spying on them while they are at the Prom, I will be observing the environment and doing what I can to make sure that it is “family friendly” and free of the activity cited in the McNeil Prom Permission form. We sincerely hope that Rachel has a good time, and that it is a positive experience for both of them (since neither has been to a McNeil Prom before). Rachel has been to a homeschool formal before and had a great time, the coordinators of the Homeschool formal do a great job, they require dance lessons prior to the formal by all attendees, they have dance cards to ensure that no one feels left out and that everyone gets to meet people other than the person who escorted them to the formal, and most of the attendees are strong in their Christian morals. We look forward to their report and Rachel’s opinion on which formal event was better.

For a great book on Christian Courtship, check out Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World